you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
