Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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