dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
