No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
