Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
