The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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