Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
