Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
