Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
