Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it because I queefed?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize