Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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