dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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