Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
did i walk over a car last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
