I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
