yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
