If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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