He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
