no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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