when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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