good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize