my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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