Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
