the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
