xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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