He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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