he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
