Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize