Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
