You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
