My girlfriend figured out who you are.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
