Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
