My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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