Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
