I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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