Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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