We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
