My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
