Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
