I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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