I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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