the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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