the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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