you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
