And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
