the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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