like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
