Christians are straight up FREAKS
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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