What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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