awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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