i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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