i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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