I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
