I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
