even my farts smell like vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
