Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
