I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
