whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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