I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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