the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
