my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
