Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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