What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize